Foreigner in the supermarket for foreigners or Common People by Pulp

Common People by Pulp

She came from Greece she had a thirst for knowledge…

The fact that I am writing this piece on Japan whilst sitting in that expat shrine, big Starbucks across from Hiro-o station in Meguro is a tad hypocritical of me.

True to form, the Japanese love of detail, beauty and design is present even at this common man’s coffee dump!  The elsewhere ordinary paper cups are decked out in ‘ cherry blossoms’, and on every object is discreetly written (shout out to Kass) ‘ Limited edition Japan only; It figures, where else in the world would the world's smallest biscuit appear a delightful deal at 1000 yen a pop?

I took her to a supermarket,

I don't know why but I had to start it somewhere,

so it started there.

I said pretend you've got no money,

she just laughed and said,

"Oh you're so funny."

My desperate attempts to hunt down Vanity Fair magazine have led me to the famed National Azabu Supermarket (est. 1960), an expat Mecca deep in the expat enclave of Hiro.  I was told it is the only supermarket in Tokyo where you understand what you are buying. After a month of clueless attempts to guess whether I am buying chemical bleach or hair conditioner I decided to give Azabu a chance.

Suddenly people are bigger, shopping carts are bigger, nasty boy band music playing and people are generally hung-over and disheveled looking. Some guys in hooded sweaters were stocking up on  Marmite like a nuclear winter was coming tonight.

It is at this precise moment I realize, I have started to judge my own race by Japanese standards. To quote Paul, a genteel French investment banker I met last night  ‘Tokyo makes you feel like a  white pig’.

Word.

I cant ridicule the expat crowd going for the western products like sharks in a feeding frenzy too much because my own little heart skipped a beat when I finally met with Vanity Fair magazine next to a row of Daniel Steel novels. 

In expat land apparently anything goes.

Instead of dull as hell supermarket photos I am giving you this poster from the tokyo metro. They lost me...in translation AGAIN

Brave new bathtub

Fact.
You know nothing of the modern world unless you have recently moved into a newly constructed ‘smart building’ in Tokyo. The building is so smart; the same construction company ought to diversify into making people smart enough to comfortably live in it without feeling inferior to the concierge.

Here I am sitting on the floor of my new smart house, just me, two cans of coke and a take out lunch box meticulously divided into 7 compartments, rice with a purple topping, weird green paste, weird fish, weird pickled vegetable (one piece of), weird piece of something round and a fried green bamboo-like stick. 

The house is entirely empty, no chairs to sit on yet so I am embracing the local culture by sitting on the floor and picking at my weird plate of lunch. All day long there has been a procession of people from Tokyo Gas, Secom Security and several others I cant positively say which company they represent. The Tokyo gas guy showed up with a realtor (moonlighting as translator) to tutor me on using the ten control panels meant to make my life easier! Spectacular failure!

Why do I need the intercom between the bath (not bathroom mind you- the intercom is electronically connected to the BATHTUB itself) and the kitchen? And adding to the growing list of absurdities,  there is a button in the kitchen that automatically fills the bathtub with water! All hail the brave new bathtub…

There is a more logically placed button (in what the Japanese call ‘powder room’) for reheating the water in the tub. A japanese voice (coming from what must be the secret world behind the bathroom wall) tells you the temperature of the water in the tub...With all that water and electronics I am surprised death by electrocution is not a bigger issue in Japan.

But what really made me feel like that monkey in Odyssey 2000 are the sci-fi control panels for BAKING FISH. The fish is a big deal here, obviously, it merits a special fish specific oven and hence a special set of million control buttons and one big touch screen panel.

Never think to disrespect another housewife, if she is from Tokyo chances are NASA and CERN are her recruiting about now.

Once I have bathed and baked the fish I might as well eat the fish alone, looking at the intercom makes me not want to buzz people in....ever.

this is my view -from one smart building you can clearly see other equally smart buildings.